Depression thoughts?

This was written and sent to me by my Son 5 years ago and he just wanted to give me a glimpse of his thoughts. My Son Tylor, I will write about in my next blog. He has let me share one of the many amazing creations that over flow in his head.

Some days I really feel like i can't relate to myself and wonder who i really am and what kinda actions it would take for such a demon to emerge but at the same time wonder if outside influences create this demon and to try to make it wake would ultimately get me killed, be it by my unpreparedness or my own dumb self. That demon voice doesn't fucking care because its trapped and I get the urge to just run and follow this demon. But I'm rational or just scared, I wonder. I wonder, if these are the roots of my problems, what can one do. I fight it as much as I can. And its easy to give into conformity, with so many of these normal appearing people around you. But its so hard to fight yourself. I know me. Why fight? Fight. Fight or flight right? Am I stronger for fighting? I'm fighting to be normal. Normal by world standards? But abnormal to who I might really be? If I flight...what would that mean? Run away from the fight against this demon this monster. Its not irrational, this monster. It doesn't want mass destruction it doesn't want mass killings or anything too much. Maybe just freedom. What is freedom for a demon? I don't even know what it wants that's why I'm currently fighting it. What if it was harmless? Like a speed demon. Could I just tame it with a fast car? Can it be satisfied or would it need for more? Would it stop, or would its hunger grow?

Sometime I feel like I'm smarter then this. Obviously I don't even know or i wouldn't even be here. I'm smart enough to fight the demon...I think that's the right way to look at it. In doing so, I'm miserable. Miserable but alive right? Is this the way to live? I believe its the way to be safe. Safe..safety...there's comfort in that. Living comfortably is everyone's basic goal right? Miserably comfortable though...? Is that what people do? It can't be...

To change would be so drastic. Am I afraid of change? Maybe I'm afraid of me changing? From what though?   From nothing? Change isn't scary its hard. Why is it hard? Because of the fight mentioned earlier, I think. For me to change i would have to use a different strategy and all I can think of is just not fight. I've been in this fight so long to just stop...I think I might die. Are you afraid of death? Yes and no. Do i want to die, no. Am I afraid to die, no. But i don't want to die by your design. I sure as hell don't want to give someone that...that what's the word...gift? Life is a gift right? So for someone to kill me is for someone to take my gift? I don't know. Is that why people feel the right to kill themself? Its no one else's RIGHT to kill you...but is it really your own? That may depend on what you believe in. I think religion works well when you start molding a young mind. I don't see how someone as far as myself could be converted...unless you'll believe in anything but yourself. I believe in myself and my experiences. Half of that's hard to believe.

Believing in yourself. That's a tough one...that's why I'm trapped maybe? Maybe if I believed in myself I could see what this demon is all about. Maybe I don't believe if i let it free that I could control it. That's where I'm going to get myself killed. But wouldn't that be pointless to control it? Are you not already controlling it? Controlling and suppressing are two different things. I have control right now or I wouldn't be here. I've done extensive research on vagabonding. In my head I know how to do it but by pen and paper or rather internet forums. Zero experience, that can get you killed though. Right, so I need experience. Yes, but that means change. Yes, drastic change. But that's going to be painful and not just for myself. I would probably not second guess if it were just me on the line. Many years of something makes it become the norm. Yes but is that why I'm broken? No you were always broken, your just comfortable in your current situation. Miserably comfortable you mean? Miserably comfortable in your ways that is your current basic comfort. To go any other way would just make you miserable. So the variable is comfort then? Yes. Then how do i not be miserable? You stop being comfortable. Then ill just be miserable? Yes. Then how do I not be miserable with nothing but misery left? You find comfort.

                            Fuck