Wicked_eyes

  “Animals die, friends die, and I shall die. One thing never dies, and that is the reputation we leave behind at our death.”

It had rained all through the night but ceased by morning when I had left for my days adventure. The sky was gray and the ground was wet. I made my way to the bus stop with haste and was promptly met by the bus as I was running late. I boarded, swiping my pass. I was greeted by the operator, a very friendly middle aged black woman. I thanked her and quickly found a seat towards the back, right above the steps. After a few moments and bus stops later a young black mixed man in his 20s boards the bus. As he swiped his bus pass he was greeted by the friendly bus operator and she had inquired about his shirt. "Oh, who's that on your shirt?" She asked. ‎ ‎ "Oh, well... I know one of the dudes is Billy idol." He replied. ‎ ‎"Oh really? What kind of music did they play? Big band music?" "No they were like, classic rock." Their encounter had ended and the man starts his way down the bus towards me and out of curiosity I looked at his shirt. I can cle...

This was written and sent to me by my Son 5 years ago and he just wanted to give me a glimpse of his thoughts. My Son Tylor, I will write about in my next blog. He has let me share one of the many amazing creations that over flow in his head. Some days I really feel like i can't relate to myself and wonder who i really am and what kinda actions it would take for such a demon to emerge but at the same time wonder if outside influences create this demon and to try to make it wake would ultimately get me killed, be it by my unpreparedness or my own dumb self. That demon voice doesn't fucking care because its trapped and I get the urge to just run and follow this demon. But I'm rational or just scared, I wonder. I wonder, if these are the roots of my problems, what can one do. I fight it as much as I can. And its easy to give into conformity, with so many of these normal appearing people around you. But its so hard to fight yourself. I know me. Why fight? Fight. Fight or flight...

We always say to the one's we start a relationship with in the beginning. I'll never change and please never change the way you are. Then a few months go by and we, they start to get to know us better as we do them. One or the other will find things not to their liking or things aren't the same.  So we do try to change the other person.  It's not just the heart, it could also be the mind. Maybe even the entire being. You hold on and try to teach a person because to us things come easily, everything is common sense but not to all. And you try so hard to make them see how simple things can be if they use their mind the way we do but they don't have the same mind or use it in the same way. Now I ask this. Do we feel we are wasting our time on changing someone's heart or mind? Are we trying to change them for them to be better? Or are we changing them for our own benefit? Only you have lived your life with yourself, so only you know you better than anyone else. I...

I've always been alone. It's all I know, it's what I'm comfortable with. It's all I'm use to. After feeling that alone is stress free, no other people's stories, no responsabiliity, being simple and free. I don't think I can change that, I don't think I want to. I can blame all my mistakes on not knowing anything else but me and being alone all my life. Failed marriages, not being able to be a mother not being able to do anything but be alone. It's how I started life, it's how I've lived my life and it's how my life will end. Alone and I'm fine with that.

Growing up I had a relative, this person had offsprings, they would not ask each other for favors or do things for one another unless there was something in returned involved. That was something I couldn't understand because when I do something for another being I do it selflessly. I see someone struggling and I feel the want to take on that struggle or problem and fix it, make it a better situation, make the stress of it go away. I do anything and everything in my power to help, to fix, to make their worries or problems disappear, I do it sometimes anonymously,  because I don't need anything from those beings, no acknowledgement, recognition, nothing in return. It could be because I never put myself in situations where I need anything from anyone, it could be because I'm a fixer, I've been called that before. Whatever that means hahaha. Or maybe I just don't want to be stressed hearing other beings problems they've gotten into.  Back to that relative, she wou...